Deliberation is Good for the Marriage

As a newlywed and a practitioner of dialogue and deliberation, it won’t surprise my colleagues that my new husband and I have spent every night of our marriage (48 nights as of this writing) engaged in a nightly reflective practice about our day as a couple. Without word, we turn off the television after channel surfing between the monologues of David Letterman and Jay Leno (later if they have compelling guests or our favorite features –small town news, headlines, or the now infamous, but waning in punch, Letterman’s Top Ten) and convene on the back patio with a small cup of home-roasted almonds and a glass of wine.

We knew each other in high school. I was the editor of our high school yearbook; he was the photographer I obviously trusted or liked because we spent hours together in the dark room despite my deep (and first) love with someone else. But we lost contact with each other for thirty-three years until I recently contacted with him using my web search skills and Google’s insatiable application of metadata.

We spend our evenings musing over questions about what was memorable, what we learned, what inspired us, what we hope to accomplish, why we love each other…no topic is off limits as we sit in the dark on the back patio. We are a married couple dating for the first time.

Through this reflective practice, we define who we are as a couple. We define our dreams, our hopes our aspirations. We make plans. We weigh the costs and consequences of our decisions. Should he turn down work to rebuild our leaky garden roof and build a deck for the dormant hot tub we got bartering for his labor? Should he take a full-time job with benefits? What if the money is not commensurate for his contract work, but provides stability and health care benefits for both of us? Will he be happy working for someone else in a dead-end job with limited advancement?

These are exactly the kind of questions that would have frustrated me as an MBA prior to my exposure to deliberative democracy, but I have become (gasp) one who now appreciates process and reflection. Little did I know that learning to be a reflective, deliberative citizen would be good training ground for being a wife.

One Week and counting

Dateline: June 7,2008 8:18am

Exactly one week ago this date and time, I was scurrying around trying to remember, what I may have forgotten, where I was supposed to be and what I needed to transfer to my future in-laws for our wedding. The hectic pace seemed calm at the time. No nervous feelings, just anticipation of a great future ahead for Taylor and me.

About this same hour, I was taking some Seasons of Salado coffee (Our favorite) to my in-laws, for Taylor. Along with the coffee, I was delivering a special gift for her wedding morning. Great care was made by all to assure I did not see the bride. Dressed in floppy shirt and shorts, I didn’t even wear any shoes. After all it was a short drop off trip.

After delivering my parcels and helping with a couple of set up items, I headed out the door , back for our home to dress. On the front steps are a couple of decorative rocks. Wouldn’t you know it, I stumbled on one and jammed my toe directly into the largest one.

My attire for the wedding, was dress white shirt, black dress pants and the black cowboy boots Taylor had bought me on her last visit to Michigan.

Ever try wearing cowboy boots with a swollen toe. Not an easy task. But I prevailed and wore them through the ceremony. Before we left for our Yellow Caboose (see other post and Flickr account for pics) we stopped by our home for a change of shoes.

That afternoon, Taylor examined my toe and we decided even though it was discolored and swollen, it was not broken. A few days later it was reduced and the natural colors had returned. Still tender but much better.

We all had a wonderful time and the wedding was beautiful. The honeymoon was perfect and I must say, the marriage was the smartest thing I have ever done. Taylor is all I could have asked for and more.

I love her with all my heart and soul!

Today we celebrate our one week anniversary and we look forward to the next 50 years or so. Together, walking hand in hand down the path of life.

TERRY

Sharing our evenings from1400 miles appart

We are separated by about 1400 miles of country.We have spent a lot on air fare and long distance to spend time with each other.We have figured out ways to connect without running up a huge bill. We, being the modern age techies that we are, have signed on with IM’s and Skype to keep in touch. The most interesting conversations seem to be between the hours of 2 and 6 am. The all night discussions and talking about our dreams and feelings are a special part of the love and commitment we share. We recently started a conversation at about 11:00 PM and finished the conversation at 6:30AM . Only to be continued with shorter phone calls throughout the day.

We will quite often connect during television shows to watch and talk during breaks, and enjoy each others company. I know we are longing to sell this house and so I can join Taylor in Texas but that has yet to be realized. We’ll keep trying and all of our family and friends will keep praying for it too.

The other part of being this far apart, is the feeling of lonlyness and despair at not being able to comfort and hold one another. The simple contact of a brush down the arm or a squeeze of the shoulder while passing in the hall. The embrace of a loved one when your feeling low or just want the warmth provided by that person. We are trying to make it through, but the days of separation seem endless and the nights are unbearable.

If not for frequent flier miles and scheduled appointments close enough to justify a visit, we would be broke in no time. Air fare is not cheap and the lack of vacation time seems to take on a new meaning. But, through it all, we keep on talking and texting and IM ing(is there such a word?). We are committed to our future together” till we are 80 and walking hand in hand down the road”. We will make it through this slight obstacle, and show the world the depth and endurance of our love for one another. Just Taylor and me!

Terry

the TaDa list

On each of my visits to be with Taylor (in Texas), we have jointly made up a list of the work projects I want to achieve when I’m there. We use the online “Tada lists” so that we can both edit and view the list. As each project is completed, it is checked off. The list never gets any shorter, mostly by my own additions, but it is never a burden doing any of the “chores” on it either. I look forward to the day when I will be there, in Texas, to work with her on all the projects having to do with our lives together and our home. Pray that day comes soon!.

Terry

Hello world!

Welcome to our first combined techy effort as a newly engaged couple. We invite all our friends and family to join us in planning our lives together. We are asking you , the viewers, to add your comments, stories and memories to this blog.

Taylor and Terry